The Lonely Girl Diaries
The year was 2020. The pandemic was at its peak. I was touch-starving (though I never had any SO in my life). Downloaded Bumble and met a girl who was really cute. We would talk to each other day and night, she would send me audio messages. She even said "I love you" and I was astonished. Then, she started losing it. She didn't talk so much to me anymore. Was she busy? Did she hate me? Why is this happening?
I wanted to kill myself that time. I didn't know what to do, I felt rejected. Then she finally told me she was dating someone else. I got really mad but then she became a best friend and things got suddenly better!
Then, in 2021, I met another girl in OkCupid. We would talk pretty much every day, although she was busy most of the time. I was in love with her. Then, again, she started distancing herself and I got sick. Mad. Wanted again to kill myself. I had an awful depressive crisis that was triggered by her absence. I've researched and it looked like Borderline Personality Disorder, but my psychiatrist at the time didn't think so.
Fast-forward to 2023. The pandemic was over and I figured out I was actually bisexual (I'm pretty much attracted to women and feminine men and non-binary people). I dated a boy and everything was going so well. Then, he started getting distant as well and I felt so bad. Why did I feel so bad? Why did I want to kill myself again? Why do they always reject me?
One day, when he didn't message me for a whole day, I felt so sick, anxious and suicidal I went to the hospital. Spent the day there, almost got admitted to the psych ward. The boy I was dating told me he didn't want to continue dating, that he wasn't feeling it, and that he wanted to be friends.
I was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by my current psychiatrist. And it felt like a curse and a relief. A curse because I can't go back to childhood to fix my trauma and early attachment issues. A relief because now I know about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), created by Marsha Linehan.
On a side note, Marsha had a tough life [1], and she "fixed herself" with DBT. That gave me some hope.