The Lonely Girl Diaries
this post is very graphical and very intimate, +18, please read with caution
Figuring out your sexuality is something pretty. I went from understanding myself as just another cis-hetero person due to compulsory heterosexuality to figuring out I'm a transgender and queer person.
I lost my virginity at 21 with a cisgender woman. She was my girlfriend for a few months and we're still friends. We tried a couple of things such as bdsm and some things did turn me on. It was still pre-transition, when I would consider myself non-binary. Before that, I did sexting with other cis woman, but we never had sex IRL (they are still my friends as well).
After we broke up, I've spent almost a year without having sex. During that time, I finally transitioned, both socially, legally and medically (with hormones). Hormones did change a LOT how I would feel about sex.
At some point, I was confident enough to engage and start sexting with the people I dated. At first, I tried it with a transfeminine friend of mine and it worked! We had sex. It wasn't actually great because I was taking Zoloft (which caused me anorgasmia).
Early transition
During the early days of transition, I've read two zines which are AMAZING: Fucking Trans Women, and My Clit Hurts [1][2]. Turns out this friend who I had sex with also read it, so we were both "educated" on what each other liked.
Just before I started HRT, I was struggling a lot with being really horny. At the time, I would consume porn, but I hated it so much. Masturbation felt like any other physiological need, that I had to make or else I would explode. But then, with testosterone blockers, I didn't really feel like masturbating at all. I could spend weeks without it and it felt GREAT.
Then, I read [2] and it made me realize I had to "force" myself to masturbate, otherwise I could cause atrophy.
Libido started redeveloping in a very different way. I realized that masturbation had to be meditative, porn wasn't for me anymore, and I was TOUCH-STARVING a lot. Cuddles and kisses were enough.
Another thing that started happening: orgasms! One thing most people with penises pre-blockers don't realize is that orgasms and ejaculation are things that could happen separately. Since I don't exactly ejaculate, orgasms feel way different. Also, I've been able to feel my own body way better than before. Everything seems more sensitive.
Vibrators became a huge thing for me. Now my breasts are growing and they are also very sensitive.
Am I bi? And reciprocity
I dated a non-binary pre-blockers person and at first it felt great (since I was starving, maybe). At some point, sex became a difficult chore with them. I don't really feel like being reciprocal, and I was still learning how to have sex with people with penises. Them being pre-blockers, they had more libido than me and sex was messy (I hate cleaning afterwards and I'm disgusted by bodily fluids).
With the other person I dated, who was a cis man, giving blowjobs felt great and I felt so much desire about it. But after some time I didn't feel like being reciprocal as well. I had some bottom dysphoria because I wanted to be a bottom-person but I didn't want to do anal. At some point, we didn't have sex anymore and I didn't feel like having sex. Now that we're distant, I felt like having sex again with him, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea.
Maybe masturbation or non-reciprocal sex is what I like. I like to feel like a goddess sometimes heh.
What I like
I figured out I'm not attracted masculine people, although I'm attracted men and non-binary people. Most of the men and non-binary people I date are quite feminine and/or kind/cute/delicate persons. They are usually bi.
In regards to women, I'm mostly attracted to trans women. I haven't dated cis women in a while since most cis-lesbian women doesn't seem to be into trans girls (it might just be my feeling).
I've also realized I like being an exhibitionist. That's probably my kink. I love it when people comment about my body.