I feel very lonesome. In the last few months, or maybe in the last year, my life has been a mess.

First, let's get the bunch of diagnosis out of the way – I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. I also found out that my autism has more support needs than I thought. All those things explain a lot about why some things are so hard for me and why things don't often work in my brain and why I function so differently sometimes. I also tried to explain to friends and loved ones that some of my quirks might be hard to deal with, but are in no way excuses for bad or hurtful behavior.

That being said, I think I've spent the last year mostly in my own head, fighting my own demons, and it's sometimes hard to deal with the outside world. In the beginning of 2025, I had to deal with a depressive crisis, with a lot of anhedonia and suicidal thoughts. I almost attempted suicide at some point, but a friend convinced me not to. I had a lot of paranoia, thoughts that were difficult to process, a great internal turmoil that wouldn't shut down. A few friends were around and family as well, but it often felt like they couldn't understand exactly what was going on.

But most importantly, I was afraid that they would leave me. I'm unstable. Very unstable. Some people have bigger problems to deal with.

Recently, I lost my job. I'm dealing with financial struggle. I have to move homes and go back to my dad's house. My whole lifestyle isn't possible anymore. I barely have money to buy food or medicine.

My friends have been supportive, my family as well. But they don't know how my brain is processing this struggle in the worst possible way. I don't know how they can even understand. I don't even understand. I struggle to put it in words.

I honestly think this is a result of mixed bipolar episodes, that I've had since when I was a teen. My mood changes frequently, as does my sense of self. I don't have a consistent sense of self, and I keep thinking that people have valid reasons to hate me and to abandon me. This leads me to think that suicide is a great answer to my problems.

If only suicide was so easy.

I'm currently okay. I felt productive today. Time went by, which is something I'm looking forward since waiting for things to happen have made me feel quite anxious.

But I know I'll soon feel bad. I'm not stable, and I don't think I'll ever be. It's my reality and it's difficult to learn it.

I'm scared.