I'm autistic, which means I didn't learn social skills intuitively, and I have to put a daily effort to be socially acceptable. When I was a kid, other kids would talk about Yu-gi-oh, football, Power-Rangers while I was into production logos, Star Wars and classic Rock music. They would sometimes talk to me and let me into their circle, but I never really contributed and sometimes felt left out. On the other hand, whenever I met someone who shared a special interest, I would kind of monopolize the conversation about it. Not exactly about me, but about the special interest. And about me.
Growing up, being and undiagnosed autistic person in their teens, fitting in was hard. Not being weird was difficult, and I would occasionally be considered arrogant and self-centered. I didn't intend to be like that, yet I was.
As I became an adult, at first I was pretty much a recluse. I would talk to people at work and at the university, but I didn't really have friends, in the sense that I never shared much about myself, and never really heard other people actively.
After my diagnosis and my transition, I started getting into relationships and meeting people who would become my best friends and I would have strong relationships with them. But something was always off: I always turned the conversation into myself, unconsciously. More than I wanted people started complained that I was self-centered, that I didn't seem to care about others, that I always made the conversation about myself. Some even called me narcissistic. Am I a narcissist? I don't think so.
I do spend too much time in my head, pondering, always self-conscious. Always walking on eggshells.
It hurts not being like others sometimes. I've been advocating for autistic pride for too long, yet I feel like this part of autism is so misunderstood, so dehumanizing, and other people don't know how much it hurts us not knowing how to interact properly with others.
I don't lack empathy. In fact I feel too much. I may not show my real emotions due to flat affect, but I feel things strongly. I care about others. I love my friends, and family, and folks with whom I have romantic relationships.
I know I sound like one, but I'm not a narcissistic robot.