I've been trying to understand love lately. I've already read The Agony of Eros, by Byung-Chul Han, and I'm reading In Praise of Love by Badiou.
I also believe I have a bit of alexithymia, since I have trouble naming my own sensations, combined with a flat affect and other neurodivergent stuff. So, I've been finding ways to express my feelings, with music, drawings and short poems.
What I felt this weekend is hard to express. I think I have a shortage of words to explain this feeling, but it's a powerful feeling. It's a feeling of joy, happiness, pleasure. The joy of spending time with someone else, enjoying their presence. The joy of reciprocity. The feeling of love. Not just lust, not just desire for the Other. But love. Love as in "I care about you".
I had the privilege of reconnecting with this person. A best friend from high school, the first person I truly loved.
The truth is: I've been searching for someone like you for years and years, but one can never exchange a person for another. I surely felt passion for other people. This passion slowly decayed into friendship, respect, care. This passion became somewhat part of my routine. But with you, there was a bit of passion. But hiding behind this passion, true love existed. True, genuine love.
And now I enjoy every moment we share. And now, I care so much about you. And now, I want to be closer. I want to be part of your life. And I want you to be part of mine.
I hope I'm not exaggerating. I hope I'm not too overwhelming. I hope you understand that my feelings are so genuine.
I enjoy spending time with you.