I've been feeling like a lost cause lately. I've been crying a lot, having outbursts of rage and anger, feeling on edge, feeling like a trapped animal. When this kinds of feelings show up on the surface, I tend to fuel them with compulsive research about mental disorders and suicide methods.

Having mental disorders is tiring... it must be awful to my therapist when I tell her one week that I feel so good and that I'm living a healthy life and then, a few weeks later, that I'm freaking out about symptoms of a disorder or constantly thinking about killing myself. Last year, I hyperfocused on schizophrenia, this year I'm hyperfocused on OCD.

What if I have it all? Autism, OCD, Bipolar, Borderline... is it possible? How will I cope? Is there a way to cope? Can I live a healthy life?

I highly doubt it. That's why I constantly think about suicide. The pain is unbearable, and the voices in my head won't stop. I can't turn off the inner monologue and the rumination. And some people invalidate me quite a lot, so it feels like I'm just being bitchy or overly dramatic.

I've been taking clonazepam as a form of self-medication/self-harm for when I'm feeling like this. I'm trying not to make this an habit.

I even believe that my therapist is about to give up on me... she doesn't seem to be so patient.

The thing that's grounding me is getting to know the girl I love once again. She's also going through something. We take care of each other. That's what's keeping me alive, to be honest...

I just wanted to be happy again... why does life have to be so unstable? Why do I have to be such a mess? I want to be better than this...